Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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