My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
