I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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