My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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