i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
