the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
