you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
