Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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