She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just gift wrapped bread.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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