haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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