Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
