I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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