I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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