I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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