I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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