i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
