I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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