Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
