so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
