I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
