this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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