Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
