My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
