its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
