4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
