On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
