Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
