I feel like I'm in dance class right now
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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