Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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