margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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