Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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