I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
