I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
