All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
