he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
