I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
