3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
