when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
