wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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