Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
