I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you told grandpa to call you daddy
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
