There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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