but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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