I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
