Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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