If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
