I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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