My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
