Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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