I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
