the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
