I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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