i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
