the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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